The Problem With Consent (and The Solution)

The challenges to clear consent communication are many. For the vast majority of Americans who haven’t already learned and actively developed this skill, many find it awkward to talk & communicate about consent both before and in the heat of the moment. Is that so surprising given that it is challenging, even illegal or banned, to talk about sex in so many places and times in our shame-riddled, sex-negative culture? I wouldn’t be surprised if these posts get censored from certain social media.

 

Plus, look at what we see, hear, and read in the media. We don’t see consent modeled effectively ANYWHERE from TV to romantic comedies and dramas to hard core porn. In fact we usually see just the opposite – sex just magically happens without words. It’s not surprising we assume our sex should be wordless – of course it would feel awkward to do differently. At least at first.

 

While we rarely, if ever, actually witness effective consent communication modeled in action, we can find sources to read about it. But, usually it reads without specific or sexy examples as over-simplified, clinical, even bureaucratic legalese. Who finds that kind of communication sexy? Even worse, it can be a reminder of the bureaucratic consequences of miscommunication about sex – which is even more boner-killing or pussy-parching.

 

 

Most of us are turned on by honest-to-goodness curse words during sexytalk. You know you live in a sex-negative culture when every synonym for genitalia is considered vuglar & offensive – other than the very unsexy, but clinically approved words like ‘penis’ & ‘vagina’. Slang words that actually feel more natural and sexy to use while talking about sex & consent must be sanitized to pass the censors and prevent puritanical uproar, in order to access to the intended audience. The problem is that, by then, the examples for sexual communication are weakened to the point of being perceived as unsexy and unrealistic for us to feel comfortable using.

 

Let’s unite in defense of slang words referencing genitalia & sexuality and make them ‘good’ words, not ‘bad’ words. They’re wonderful body parts, so let’s laude them as ‘great’ words! Let’s start acting flattered, instead of offended, by words such as c*nt, c*ck, f*ck, etc. (asterisked here only to pass through the current auto-censor software). There is nothing ‘wrong’ nor ‘bad’ about such wonderful body parts, no matter the synonym. Making them ‘great words’ is a personal rebellion against sex-negativity and hopefully, someday, will allow us to use them in better, more appropriate and sexy, discourse about consent, boundaries, and sexuality.

 

 

Plus, talking during sex can get us out of our body and into our heads which can be distracting and anti-climactic for many when we are engaging erotically. In the moment, it’s often easier to pretend things just happen than it is to verbally admit to ourselves and others that we have such desires. Such desires can seem bizarre or even non-sensical on the surface to our conscious mind, but I help clients understand and accept their authentic sexuality everyday. It does actually make sense when you understand the erotic mind.

 

 

Also, responding to a consent request can present a conundrum. If I say ‘no’ they might not like me, end the scene, or be disappointed. If I say ‘yes’ – will they judge me? Will they think I’m a slut? Either answer can inspire a fear of shame, which is about as sexy as getting caught masturbating by your grandmother. And while there is nothing wrong with this turn on, it has opposite effect for most of us. For many – being judged or labeled a slut is about as shameful as it gets (especially for women).

 

Very few of us have had the opportunity to develop a skillful approach to sexytime communication including consent & boundaries. 

 

 

All new skills feel awkward at first until mastered, and who wants to add awkwardness to an erotic moment? It’s vulnerable and easier to avoid – at least in the short term. This is why I so often hear “I like to hear hot verbal during sex, but I don’t talk much during sex myself because it doesn’t feel natural. I’m not good at it.” News flash! It feels unnatural and awkward to all of us at first. But some of us were able to keep practicing until it started to feel natural. Just like learning to walk.

 

Our culture takes sex so seriously and most people don’t create a safe space to try on, play, and practice a new skill. We’re afraid of the humiliation of a gaff. But communication and conversations about and during sex, including consent and boundaries, becomes more comfortable, even sexy and fun, with practice.

 

Plus, this effort paves the way for super hot verbal & nonverbal communication which can make sex hotter – through role play, fantasy, partner connection, validation, and more. You just have to know how to create the safe space to practice & persevere through the initial hump of awkwardness on your way to mastering it. And that’s what I can show you.

 

 

Once we overcome all of these challenges to learning effective communication around consent & boundaries for ourselves, we have another set of challenges to effective consent communication: How to detect someone’s ‘NO’ even when they’re saying YES.

 

You see, some people simply don’t know their NOs or their limits, sometimes not until well after the erotic encounter when they are calling you a sexual offender. This can happen to adults unfortunate enough to be raised in a home where their NOs weren’t respected or they were traumatized. That might be you, and I can help you connect to your NO.

 

But even if they know their No, some people simply don’t know how to  say ‘NO’ or express their limits so the other person clearly understands. This may be because they never learned how to, or they were punished every time they tried to as children. This may be you, but I can teach you how.

 

Still others don’t want to express their ‘No’s for fear of retaliation or disappointing their partner Or maybe they want to be liked by you. Some people have a history of retaliation when expressing their NOs which makes them afraid to express it now. If that’s you, I have answers for you.

 

Whatever the reason, some people let their boundaries be crossed and when that happens, especially when done repeatedly, they are likely to regret, build resentment, and maybe even make an accusation of sexual assault.

 

 

Plus there are many other important considerations regarding consent. For example, it is common, even widespread, to get a ‘shame-over’ after orgasm or sex. This is when we are flooded with shame for the sex we just had. This can be overwhelming for some – especially for those who have been traumatized or those who come from particularly sex-negative & slut-shaming subcultures such as religious or puritanical communities. This can also come about if drugs, alcohol, pressure, or persuasion lowered inhibitions that should’ve been respected. Plus – a person may pre-emptively claim ‘sexual assault’ as a means of protecting their reputation if they fear that a sexual partner may brag about an erotic encounter. This is one of the many reasons we should take a stand against slut-shaming.

 

The consequences of being unskilled in the art of sexual consent communication are real. Without it, we are set up for miscommunication, misunderstandings, conflict, trauma, sexual assault, and false accusations of sexual assault. Accusations or a conviction of sexual assault accusation bring great emotional & financial cost, trauma, prison time, & a lifetime on the sexual offender list. This prohibits access to 90+% of places to live, work, and travel including most, if not all, international destinations.

 

The good news is that these awful outcomes can be avoided by learning to skillfully navigate consent & boundaries. With practice, this can become easy and comfortable, both verbally and nonverbally. We can find our authentic sexytime voice & nonverbal communication that works for consent with the added bonus of hotter sex when further used for facilitating fantasies, role play, presence, embodiment, validation, and more. All it takes is learning how, practice, and perseverance.

 

 

Learning to navigate consent skillfully is vital to your sex life, happiness, and life goals. Plus, it can lead to sexy communication talents that will make your sex hotter than it has ever been. Ignoring the nuances of consent could threaten your relationships, sexlife, & livelihood. You could end up accused of sexual assault, ostracized, in jail, or on the sexual offenders list.

 

You can learn and practice sexytime sexy talk communication skills around consent & boundaries so that it becomes natural and hot at my new upcoming webinar. You’ll learn how to detect & dodge the ‘Hell No’s’ that inherently arise in any erotic encounter, to discover everyone’s ‘fvck yeah’ crafting your own ‘Bedfvll of Fvck Yeah!’

 

In this 2 part, 4 hour webinar you’ll learn intimate verbal & nonnverbal communication plus how to:

Join me and a diverse community online on the 13 & 20 of July in 2023. If you can’t make it live, don’t worry you’ll have access to the recordings for 6 months.

 

To register for this webinar head to http://events.diggerkeith.com

 

I look forward to seeing you there!

 

Digger

June 22, 2023