The Problem With Consent (and The Solution)
Americans are set up for failure and life-damning consequences over consent.
Consent is all the rage these days and it should be. But the problem is that consent is a lot more complicated than it seems to be initially on the surface. Presenting consent as simple as a cup of tea, for example, ignores essential factors such as power and privilege or intercultural awareness. Nor does it demonstrate a realistic model of the skillful and sexy negotiation of ‘affirmative consent’ or other consent strategies throughout an erotic encounter. Nor does it explore other complicated nuances we’ll explore further.
Finally, the tea analogy, along with far too many discussions regarding consent, neglects the equally essential counter element of knowing and communicating our authentic limits, boundaries, and capacities. Our ‘No’, ‘Not Yet’, ‘Slow down’ and similar.
A personal, informal poll of California teenagers confirmed they were taught in school that consent was essential. But they were never provided a model nor practice for navigating consent.
Instead, boys often pick up from their local culture that a ‘No’ might actually mean yes, and girls quickly learn that to be too sexual, to actually say ‘yes’ to sex could earn them the dreaded outcast moniker of ‘slut.’ How conducive to clearly communicating consent are these consequences of a sex-negative, toxic patriarchy?
The consequences of this oversimplification and lack are severe: miscommunication, misunderstandings, conflict, hurt feelings, & sexual assault – both real and falsely accused. Reputations and lives are ruined with crippling trauma and, for the falsely accused, jail time, a lifetime of stigmatization & banishment from 90+% of places to live, work, and travel on the sexual offender list.
Yet many of these awful consequences could have been prevented with some decent sex-positive education and practice around sexuality, consent, & limits. But as of 2020, only 8 states plus the District of Columbia required school-based sex education to cover consent. I’d be surprised to find one of these that includes an appropriate emphasis on boundaries, limits, and capacities. I’d be hard pressed to find one that models and gives students practice at navigating consent throughout an erotic experience. I’d be shocked to find even one program where students feel they are learning consent communication that feels realistic and usable for them throughout typical erotic encounters.
Americans are being set up for failure.
The challenges to clear consent communication are many. For the vast majority of Americans who haven’t already learned and actively developed this skill, many find it awkward to talk & communicate about consent both before and during the heat of the moment.
Is that so surprising given that it is uncomfortable, inappropriate, even illegal or banned, to talk about sex in many venues in our shame-riddled, sex-negative culture? I wouldn’t be surprised if this post, attempting to prevent sexual assault, gets censored from certain social media!
Plus: look at what we see, hear, and read in the media. I’ve personally never witnessed effective ‘affirmative consent’ navigated in any media. From the stories, TV to movies from romantic comedies and dramas to hard core porn we usually see just the opposite – sex just magically happens without words.
It’s not surprising we assume our sex should be wordless! Of course it feels awkward to speak verbally during sex! This is what I have to explain to all of my clients: Yes, it is awkward – at first.
While we rarely, if ever, actually witness effective consent communication modeled in action, we can find sources to read about it. But, usually it reads without specific or sexy examples as over-simplified, clinical, even bureaucratic legalese or checklists.
Who finds that kind of communication sexy? Even worse, it can be a reminder of the bureaucratic consequences of miscommunication about sex – which is even more boner-killing or pussy-parching.
In Defense of Offensive Sexy Swear Words
Most of us are turned on by honest-to-goodness curse words during sexytalk. You know you live in a sex-negative culture when every synonym for genitalia is considered vuglar & offensive – other than the very unsexy, but clinically approved words like ‘penis’ & ‘vagina’. Slang words that actually feel more natural and sexy to use while talking about sex & consent must be sanitized to pass the censors and prevent puritanical uproar, in order to access to the intended audience. The problem is that, by then, the examples for sexual communication are weakened to the point of being perceived as unsexy and unrealistic for us to feel comfortable using.
Let’s unite in defense of slang words referencing genitalia & sexuality and make them ‘good’ words, not ‘bad’ words. They’re wonderful body parts, so let’s laude them as ‘great’ words! Let’s start acting flattered, instead of offended, by words such as c*nt, c*ck, f*ck, etc. (asterisked here only to pass through the current auto-censor software). There is nothing ‘wrong’ nor ‘bad’ about such wonderful body parts, no matter the synonym. Making them ‘great words’ is a personal rebellion against sex-negativity and hopefully, someday, will allow us to use them in better, more appropriate and sexy, discourse about consent, boundaries, and sexuality.
When Talking is an Out Of Body Experience
It’s also important to understand that ‘affirmative consent’ is legally required on college campuses in California, and is a standard considered by many courts even outside of college campuses. Amongst other things, ‘Affirmative consent’ requires an enthusiastic and verbal ‘YES!’ to each type of sexual interaction throughout an encounter.
While well intentioned, many people would rather navigate at least some parts of an erotic encounter entirely nonverbally because talking during sex gets us out of our body and into our heads. Many people find this distracting and anti-climactic during sex.
Plus, many of us are actually ashamed to admit our true desires by saying ‘yes’ to something, so verbal communication conjures that shame (thanks to our sex-negative culture). Many of us would rather pretend things just happen over verbally admitting to ourselves and others that we have such desires. I wish it were otherwise, but this simple fact adds to many people’s resistance to affirming consent or boundaries verbally.
As a coach, I help people understand and accept their desires without shame, and how they can enjoy them in a safe, sane, and consensual way.
A Lose-Lose Proposition
Responding to a verbal consent request like ‘will you suck my ____?” can present a conundrum. If I say ‘no’ they might not like me, end the scene, or be disappointed. If I say ‘yes’ – will they judge me? Will they think I’m a slut? Either answer can inspire a fear of shame, which is an anti-aphrodisiac – turning us off. For many – being judged or labeled a slut is about as shameful as it gets (especially for women).
Very few of us have had the opportunity to develop a skillful approach to sexytime communication including consent & boundaries.
It’s Always Awkward At First
All new skills feel awkward at first until mastered, and who wants to add awkwardness to an erotic moment? It’s vulnerable and easier to avoid – at least in the short term. This is why I so often hear “I like to hear hot verbal during sex, but I don’t talk much during sex myself because it doesn’t feel natural. I’m not good at it.” But, news flash: everything feels unnatural and awkward to all of us at first. It’s just that some of us practiced until it felt natural. Just like learning to walk.
Our culture takes sex so seriously and most people don’t create a safe space to try on, play, and practice a new skill. We’re afraid of the humiliation of a gaff. But communication and conversations about and during sex, including consent and boundaries, becomes more comfortable, even sexy and fun, with practice.
Plus, this effort paves the way for super hot verbal & nonverbal communication which can make sex hotter – through role play, fantasy, partner connection, validation, and more. You just need to endure the initial awkwardness of acquiring this new skill. As a coach, I create a safe space to to practice and help you learn how to recreate that space out in the world.
When is a YES Actually a NO?
Once we overcome all of these challenges to learning effective communication around consent & boundaries for ourselves, we have another set of challenges to effective consent communication: How to detect someone’s ‘NO’ even when they’re saying YES.
You see, some people simply don’t know their NOs or their limits, sometimes not until well after the erotic encounter when they are calling you a sexual offender. This can happen to adults unfortunate enough to be raised in a home where their NOs weren’t respected or they were traumatized.
Many people grew up in homes where they learned very early on that they needed to take care of the needs of others above and beyond their own. So instead of tuning into and advocating for their own needs, they became hyperfocused on appeasing the needs of others around them. Such people are likely to always say yes even when they should have said no. Many women and queer folk learn to survive with this kind of people-pleasing behavior.
That might be you, and I can help you connect to, and declare your NO.
But even if they know their No, some people simply don’t know how to say ‘NO’ or express their limits so the other person clearly understands. This may be because they never learned how to, or they were punished every time they tried to as children. This may be you, but I can teach you how.
Still others don’t want to express their ‘No’s for fear of retaliation or disappointing their partner. Or maybe they want to be liked by you. Some people have a history of retaliation when expressing their NOs which makes them afraid to express it now. If that’s you, I have answers for you.
Whatever the reason, some people let their boundaries be crossed and when that happens, especially when done repeatedly, they are likely to regret, build resentment, and maybe even make an accusation of sexual assault.
The Dreaded Shame-Over
Plus there are many other important considerations regarding consent. For example, it is very common to experience what we call a ‘shame-over’ after orgasm or sex. This is when we are flooded with shame for the sex we just had. This can be overwhelming for some – especially for those who have been traumatized or those who come from particularly sex-negative & slut-shaming subcultures such as religious or puritanical communities.
Shame-overs can be particularly intense if drugs, alcohol, pressure, or persuasion lowered inhibitions too far. A person may pre-emptively claim ‘sexual assault’ as a means of protecting their reputation if they fear that a sexual partner may brag about an erotic encounter. This is one of the many reasons we should take a stand against slut-shaming.
The consequences of being unskilled in the art of sexual consent communication are real. Without it, we are set up for miscommunication, misunderstandings, conflict, trauma, sexual assault, and false accusations of sexual assault. Accusations or a conviction of sexual assault accusation bring great emotional & financial cost, trauma, prison time, & a lifetime on the sexual offender list. This prohibits access to 90+% of places to live, work, and travel including most, if not all, international destinations.
The good news is that these awful outcomes can be avoided by learning to skillfully navigate consent & boundaries in a natural and sexy way. We can find our authentic sexytime voice & nonverbal communication for consent. Plus it has an added bonus of hotter sex when applied to fantasies, role play, presence, embodiment, validation, and more. All it takes is learning how, practice, and perseverance. All of which is available to you right here.
Conclusion
Learning to navigate consent and boundaries skillfully is vital to your sex life, happiness, and life goals. Plus, it can lead to sexy communication talents that will make your sex hotter than it has ever been. Ignoring the nuances of consent could threaten your relationships, sexlife, & livelihood. You could end up accused of sexual assault, ostracized, in jail, or on the sexual offenders list.
You can learn and practice sexytime communication skills around consent & boundaries so that it becomes natural while working with me one-on-one as your coach. I can teach you how to detect & dodge the ‘Hell No’s’ that inherently arise in any erotic encounter, AND how to discover everyone’s ‘fvck yeah’ to create your own ‘Bedfvll of Fvck Yeah!’
I can help you learn intimate verbal & nonnverbal communication and how to:
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Communicate & sense consent & boundaries in a sexy and natural way
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Go for what you want in bed and life
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Stop sex you’d regret
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Say “No” without pushing your partner away
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Detect their “NO” even when they’re saying “yes”
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Get more intimacy, trust, and safety
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Find your effortlessly natural & sexy voice
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Foster communication skills will help you throughout life in all of your relationships, sexual or platonic.
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Open doors to hot verbal and nonverbal skills to make your sexlife the hottest possible.
All you need to do is make it clear to me that you want to work on the material you read about in this blog. You can do that in one-on-one coaching sessions with me. If you’re not already working with me, book a free discovery call for a private, confidential conversation to get all your questions answered as I share how I can help you in this and other ways for a joy-filled life of relational radiance.
It’s hard to create a fulfilling lovelife & sexlife in our backwards culture. Whether you’re single or partnered, I can help you create the sexlife, lovelife, and social life of your dreams – no matter how wonderfully “weird”, kinky, queer, or unconventional you are. Because EVERYONE deserves a life full of loving & fulfilling relationships. Start living your dream life story today with a free discovery call.